It was just last year that I wrote a piece about my grandfather who liked
to read atlases. You may recall the one. It was about a simple man who missed
the land of his childhood, the burial ground of his forefathers. He often
thought of his family, sitting silently and blindly staring at the cartographic
pictures without seeing land and lake. He never spoke of the brothers and
sisters he’d left behind – being a man of very few words. Instead he would put
his feet up and get a far away look in his eye, reaching out, once again, for a
worn volume.
He was too afraid to have an adventure, too encircled by the chains of fear to
move from his comfortable place – apple in one hand, atlas in the other. And
yet, he desperately wanted one. And I came to the realization that I too, was
very afraid. My chains were not made up of binding fear, but of intense
obligation. I could not leave my family and I could not forgive myself if I did
leave and something terrible came to pass. I always had this deep seeded fear
that if I did go away, to selfishly live out my own life, it would be the last
time I would ever see them. But, I the dream of running off with my hat was
always there, like Stevie Smith wrote:
Mother
said if I wore this hat
I
should be certain to get off with the right sort of chap
Well,
look where I am now, on a desert island
With
so far as I can see no one at hand
I
know what has happened though I suppose Mother wouldn't see
This
hat being so strong has completely run away with me
I
had a feeling it was beginning to happen the moment I put it on
What
a moment that was as I rose up, rose up like a flying swan
As
strong as a swan too, why see how far my hat has flown me
away
It
took us a night to come and then a night and a day
And
all the time the swan wing in my hat waved beautifully
Ah,
I thought, How this hat becomes me.
First
the sea was dark but then it was pale blue
And
still the wing beat and we flew and we flew
A
night and a day and a night, and by the old right way
Between
the sun and the moon we flew until morning day.
It
is always early morning here on this peculiar island
The
green grass grows into the sea on the dipping land
Am
I glad here? yes, well, I am,
It's
nice to be rid of Father, Mother and the young man
There's
just one thing causes me a twinge of pain,
If
I take my hat off, shall I find myself home again?
So
in this early morning land I always wear my hat
Go
home, you see, well I wouldn't run a risk like that.
I took comfort in the fact that I could always take
off the hat and be, once again, with the people who need me. I thought I could
have my adventure and live in safety too. I thought I could have my cake and
eat it too, but all I was doing was hiding it away where it spoils and rots. So
I have to go on an adventure, not with my words or my mind, but with my whole
body. I have to jump into the unknown and let its discovery become my reality.
And if you’re very lucky and very good, I’ll bring you all along with me. See
you in Scotland on July 29th.
--- Alicia
